Made for...

You and I are made to worship.
There is no possible way to explicate this truth.
I am learning it in such wonderfully amazing glimpses as I realize my daily struggles.

No words can ever describe the joy and incredible satisfaction I receive from praising God when I study. Some may find it strange, but the only thing preventing me from yelling a "Hallelujah!" during my studies is the fact that I'm always studying in the quiet library settings.

When math makes sense, when applications of math and statistics actually WORKS, when there's a real process that I can finally perceive and grasp the material laid out in front of me (even with this simple and barely functional brain of mine) -- that is the joy that God gives me, that is God's work truly in motion, that is when I marvel at God's inventions and genius mind. I know in my heart that there is no possible way I'd understand the materials I study and research without a divine intervention of God's gentle instruction.

Sure, the individuals who figured out how these things works are truly amazing but the INVENTOR, TEACHER, AND CREATOR? The God who gave the founding fathers of calculus the revelations of mathematics - HE is the one truly to credit and give praise. What's even more amazing? This all is nothing... it's simple and mundane to the intricate and masterful Lord! AMAZING?!?!? I thought you'd agree.

Anyways, my point was.... this immeasurable, incomparable joy and fulfillment that I know and crave, it only comes when I praise and worship the Lord. Although the scriptures do tell us many times everywhere in the Bible, I KNOW from experiencing this pure sheer joy; I am MADE to worship.

Heavy Weight

Hillsong Live - "Saviour King"

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"Like a dream when one awakes, O Lord,
when you rouse yourself,
you despise them as phantoms."

- Psalm 73:20

When I read this passage this morning and saw an ending on this note, I was completely baffled. Do we even realize what this means?

I guess it's necessary to provide the context of this Psalm. Although Psalm 73 is famously known for the latter, encouraging verses, God dug deep and flagged down such an astounding weight on this verse. The psalmist is addressing how "Truly God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart." [vs 1]

But to the wicked...

It's expressed that when God "awakes," the wicked are not even of existence to Him... They have no meaning, no definition, no consideration. They are fleeting phantoms, mere ghosts of a nightmare that will end with the world....

This is mentioned again in another Psalm:

"The face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth."

-Psalm 34:16

I don't think I've ever realized how truly terrifying the end is when there is no hope, salvation, redemption in Christ. I was destined to be in the blind spots... the depths of darkness where God's Holiness did not even acknowledge existence... yet by grace, not only am I visible within His sight - but the awesome Lord loves me!

"Because you are precious in my eyes,
and honored, and I love you,
I give men in return for you,
peoples in exchange for your life."

- Isaiah 43:4

How in the world is it possible that I can be so precious to be given life,
even exchange for other lives... And ultimately Christ's?

How can I apply this? How can I share the love of Christ?
How is it possible that I not shout the awesome gospel every moment of my life?

God is calling for me to take on a re-evaluation of heart and priority.
I've been realizing lately how much my life has been dependent on God's grace...
but do I really know how precious this grace is?

Restless

I somehow can't help but feel so restless these days. Maybe it's because the future is so unclear, and the new year has really started to kick in and take its stride. It's certainly not restlessness from boredom, because I am not without anything to do. I'm more thankful that I am in my current position rather than boredom because I can't handle feeling stir-crazy from monotonous cycles...

BUT... right now, I can honestly say that this is one of the first times I am taken aback and overwhelmed, indefinitely. With so much going on, I wish I could put a pause in my world, close my eyes and take a deep breath, and pinpoint what thing I will do first, second, third, etc. Plan and execute, next point, repeat. Since I'm so terrible at multitasking, this wish bubbles up in my heart quite frequently... But I feel that I've never quite reached a point where I quietly begged God for slow motion, until now.

It's not stress, or even particularly painful... but rather a state of mini-panic mixed with wonderment and paralyzation. I feel frozen for moments that demand immediate execution.

I was talking to my roommates earlier tonight, and we chatted briefly about wanting to just be done, finished, finalized, settled.

It's funny how we can categorize being any one of those things (done, finished, finalized, settled) in completely different aspects of our lives... but it always boils down to a unified harmony. Being done with school, finished with a chapter of our lives, finalized in plans, and settled in a place with a person, sharing a purpose.

I find myself asking God why I am where I am, and what I'm doing this for. Why I feel the need to go on for more school, and why I'm constantly unsure of where I'll be next... 

Restless, restless, restless.... 

But as I write these very words, I'm slowly realizing how much God has placed me wherever, inclusive of my current location, not for my own chaos and uncertainty but for my own growth and ground.

For it is you who light my lamp;

the Lord my God lightens my darkness.

- Psalm 18:28

Truly no matter how lost, frustrated, and confused I am about what's about to happen next, the Lord knows and lights the path every single step of my way. Praise GOD, always - for He is wonderfully good.

Purity

From http://xkcd.com:

HAHAHA!

Oh Sweet Coffee...

I'm currently reading "The Devil's Cup" by Stewart Lee  Allen. It's a delightful read that allows you to vicariously travel to the birthplace(s) of coffee. 

You can experience the arguably barbaric way we've changed the friendship symbol/source of worship/& more into a choice beverage that costs roughly $4.00 a cup, the sweet and creamy monster that hoards our love, devotion, and dollar. Go pick up a copy at a bookstore and browse it. I'm not finished yet, but I'd say that from what I've enjoyed so far, it's worth the read.

So... I must confess.

My name is Mary Choi, and I am a coffee addict...

I'm particularly weak for those wonderful beans from Starbucks and Godiva.

And... the only way to drink coffee, is black. 

At home, it's the lovely blends from Godiva that get me in my beat, made with my faithful French coffee press. My roommates can attest that they see this silver beaker slipped into the attractive metal framing, every day on the kitchen counter. If from Starbucks, then the Americano (thanks to my beloved B&N buddy, Yeji!) gets me tied in a delightful twist. 

Every day, when I leave the apartment to study, I make a quick decision in my head to either make coffee at home, and bring

 it out in the disposable cups my mom so lovingly bought me from Costco (with the lids!) or splurge some money and buy my delightful pick-me-up from the Collegetown corner Starbucks.

I always joked about my need of a daily "caffeine fix," but never even considered it to be remotely real.

I thought that I only just enjoyed the aromatic sensations I experienced with every sip... But I recently realized that without my daily one or two cups (OK, maybe 4-5), I can't get myself to function normally.

Sigh. Coffee addiction.... Is this serious?

Musings

I've always wondered how different my life would be if I were different. Be it in personality, mistakes I have or haven't made, career goals, etc. Sometimes even in simple physical appearance differences.

I always had the feeling that even the slightest change in me would reflect pretty major changes in my life course, including my relationships with my family, friends, and those I meet along the story of my life.

You know how when you try to make your two index fingers meet with your arms set in opposing horizontal positions... and you always miss if you're not looking? That's how I feel 99.9999% of the time in my life. Sometimes, I appreciate the spontaneity of life, and other times I wish I just knew what would be in the horizon if I just opened my eyes and actively planned a course of action for my future.

Just wondering....

A fond past and bright future

So just about 4 months ago, I had stepped into my masters program director's office to discuss my coursework load for the semester. It still doesn't leave me.

Disclaimer: Most of whom will read this following little story will not find it nearly as entertaining as I did... Don't complain if you don't laugh.

I sat down in that plastic chair across the desk from my director and we started talking about what my target academic performance is for the fall semester and how the average student performs in the program.

I asked, "Professor, what would you say is the distribution of the grades in most of the students in this program every year?" His answer was, "Well, it's distributed normally," and paused for a few seconds then chuckled to himself, clearly entertained by his (perhaps accidental?) pun. I walked out of the office, brimming to burst with an amused laughter... I still don't know if I was laughing at his joke, or at the fact that he made such a joke and laughed about it to himself.

Heh.... to be honest, I only write this out so that I will not forget it in the future.

It's one of my classic primary Cornell memories that I hope I will always remember.

On with the new year, yes? It's already January 7, and I don't have resolutions yet.

Oh dear.

2009 already feels like it's bursting in store with memorable moments.

God allowed me to climb so high and see a breathtaking view of His work in my life. I look up and see there's even so much more to go... I can't wait to see what blessings the year will bring - be it career routes, personal struggles and triumphs, old and/or new people, and much more.

Letting go of the grasp I have on my carnal desires in life,

I let God sweep me away with glorious strides of His blessings and grace.