Restless

I somehow can't help but feel so restless these days. Maybe it's because the future is so unclear, and the new year has really started to kick in and take its stride. It's certainly not restlessness from boredom, because I am not without anything to do. I'm more thankful that I am in my current position rather than boredom because I can't handle feeling stir-crazy from monotonous cycles...

BUT... right now, I can honestly say that this is one of the first times I am taken aback and overwhelmed, indefinitely. With so much going on, I wish I could put a pause in my world, close my eyes and take a deep breath, and pinpoint what thing I will do first, second, third, etc. Plan and execute, next point, repeat. Since I'm so terrible at multitasking, this wish bubbles up in my heart quite frequently... But I feel that I've never quite reached a point where I quietly begged God for slow motion, until now.

It's not stress, or even particularly painful... but rather a state of mini-panic mixed with wonderment and paralyzation. I feel frozen for moments that demand immediate execution.

I was talking to my roommates earlier tonight, and we chatted briefly about wanting to just be done, finished, finalized, settled.

It's funny how we can categorize being any one of those things (done, finished, finalized, settled) in completely different aspects of our lives... but it always boils down to a unified harmony. Being done with school, finished with a chapter of our lives, finalized in plans, and settled in a place with a person, sharing a purpose.

I find myself asking God why I am where I am, and what I'm doing this for. Why I feel the need to go on for more school, and why I'm constantly unsure of where I'll be next... 

Restless, restless, restless.... 

But as I write these very words, I'm slowly realizing how much God has placed me wherever, inclusive of my current location, not for my own chaos and uncertainty but for my own growth and ground.

For it is you who light my lamp;

the Lord my God lightens my darkness.

- Psalm 18:28

Truly no matter how lost, frustrated, and confused I am about what's about to happen next, the Lord knows and lights the path every single step of my way. Praise GOD, always - for He is wonderfully good.